


Ache

by Jojora



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, Crankiplier - Fandom, Youtuber RPF, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:07:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28567452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jojora/pseuds/Jojora
Summary: Coming out, internalized homophobia, angst.Set post-Unus Annus. Because this fandom does not have nearly enough long and really drawn out slow burn fics and that's all I'm about in life.Sorry for being so mean to all of these characters. I am sure they don't deserve it.
Relationships: Ethan Nestor/Original Character(s), Mark Fischbach & Amy Nelson, Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Amy Nelson, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 19
Kudos: 127





	1. Chapter 1

It should have been just another day of doing a charity stream, but something was off about Ethan. First off, he had shown up late. That by itself was not unusual. Mark and Ethan were both guilty of that from time to time. It was a side effect of having a career where you usually got to make your own schedule. 

But this time, Ethan was supposed to show up early so that they could set up for the stream, but he didn’t answer any of Mark’s texts asking him where he was and he didn’t arrive until 20 minutes into when streaming had already started. Mark was on screen trying to keep the audience entertained, but he was having to go off the cuff. The stream had been planned out with different segments, but those all needed Ethan. And while Ethan was a tad late from time to time, it was not normal for him to just completely blow off a responsibility like this. 

Then, once Ethan finally did arrive, he seemed scattered. He fumbled his way in and apologized for showing up late.

“Don’t worry about it, man,” Mark had replied casually, though he was inwardly pretty annoyed. He just wasn’t going to show it in front of the fans. So he followed it up with a joke about Ethan being a total diva, but Ethan seemed to miss it.

“Mm hmm,” was all Ethan said as he got settled on screen. 

Mark tried not to pay it too much mind. After all, Ethan didn’t always have the best of focus or maybe it was just a bit that fell flat. 

But Mark did notice that Ethan looked a little bit disheveled. Nothing terrible or unpresentable, probably not even anything the fans would notice over a screen, but Mark was sitting right next to him so he saw that Ethan’s hair seemed a little unkempt and his shirt was a tad wrinkled and overall, he just seemed kind of tense.

“So now that the diva is finally here, we can get this show on the road,” Mark tried the joke again. 

This time, Ethan just raised his eyebrows at Mark in a mockingly appalled way and soon enough the rough start to the stream was forgotten and they were getting into their usual flow. 

But it was after the first segment and as they were transitioning into the second that Mark started to really feel like something was wrong. They had wrapped up the first challenge mostly fine, though Ethan had stumbled his way through it a bit more than normal. But Mark had started to explain the rules of what they were doing next when he realized Ethan was not paying attention to anything he was saying. 

“Hey, earth to ADHD!” Mark laughed, waving his hand in the air to get Ethan’s attention.

“Huh?” Ethan asked, blinking and looking at Mark. 

“Oh my god! Do I have to explain the rules again?” 

Mark’s annoyance was feigned and overdramatic, but once again, Ethan didn’t play into the bit.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I’m listening.” 

Ethan’s genuine apology threw Mark off slightly, but he tried to shrug it off. “Well like I was saying,” Mark continued, “if you lose the round, which you will, you have to do a dare. Amy asked for some dares on her Twitter that she has ready for us. Sound good?” 

But Ethan’s attention was already somewhere else again. Mark made a show for the camera of rolling his eyes and then kicking him under the table they were sitting at. 

“What the hell?” Ethan asked, sounding slightly ticked off and jumping at the unexpected kick. He then seemed to remember they were live, so he tried to recover and followed that up with a lame, “Yeah, sure.”

Mark rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure what?” he asked. “Do you even know what we’re doing?” Mark was still being over the top in his reaction for the camera, but he did actually feel a little bit frustrated this time, especially at the fact that Ethan was getting annoyed with him. Ethan had no right to be annoyed when he was the one not paying attention! 

That frustration vanished into immediate concern, though, when he saw Ethan swallow and look away at the sight of Mark’s aggression. Mark didn’t think that he was being  _ that  _ hard on Ethan, he had definitely been worse and Ethan was usually pretty thick-skinned, but this time he could swear it almost looked like Ethan was going to cry. Even if he wasn’t, it was clear now that something was definitely up. 

“Can we actually take a short break?” Ethan asked, and he managed to say it pretty casually for the cameras, but Mark knew by the sudden shift in the room that it was not at all a casual request. 

“Yeah, we’ll be back in a few minutes! Don’t forget to send in some questions on the hashtag!” Mark said to the front camera, trying to end it quickly for Ethan’s sake but also trying to play it off for the audience. 

He nodded to his assistant, who put up a “be right back” screen on the stream and muted their mics. As soon as the stream could not see or hear them, Mark turned to Ethan to ask him what was up, but Ethan had already stood up and was leaving the room. 

Mark frowned and looked over at Amy, but she looked just as confused and concerned as Mark felt. 

After a moment’s hesitation, Mark got up and followed Ethan. Ethan hadn’t gone far, he was sitting on the steps just outside the front door. 

“Hey man, is everything okay?” Mark asked tentatively. 

Ethan jumped at the sound of Mark’s voice. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I didn’t mean to screw up the stream.” 

“You didn’t,” Mark responded, sitting down next to Ethan. 

Mark scanned Ethan’s face, trying to get some indication of what was wrong, but Ethan was just staring off into the distance, seemingly lost in his own head. Mark wondered if Ethan was mad at him. It almost felt like he was, the way he had been so stiff during filming. Not laughing at Mark’s jokes, snapping at Mark, walking away as soon as the camera was off. But Mark had no idea what he could have done wrong. Or maybe Ethan wasn’t mad at him and something else was going on. Whatever it was, the air was tense. 

“Ethan, what is going on?” Mark finally asked. 

Ethan bit his bottom lip like he was contemplating something. 

“Mark, I haven’t been completely honest with you lately,” Ethan finally said slowly. 

Mark frowned. “Okay…” he said tentatively. “Honest about what?”

Ethan swallowed. He seemed really tense and it was making Mark nervous. 

“I’m seeing someone,” Ethan replied slowly. “Well, I was.” He closed his eyes sadly and his voice trembled when he spoke again. “We broke up this morning.” 

Mark sighed, inwardly relieved that Ethan wasn’t mad at him but feeling bad that his friend was hurting. He put his hand on Ethan’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said gently. 

Ethan just nodded. 

“Was this new, or…?” Mark asked. He was curious as to why Ethan had not mentioned that he was dating anyone. It’s not like he owed Mark that information, but it was unlike Ethan. He was usually a pretty open book. 

Ethan shook his head. “8 months,” he said, a tear rolling down his cheek.

_ 8 months?  _ Ethan had had a relationship for 8 months and Mark had not known about it. That was definitely weird. Mark didn’t know what to say in response, so he just sat there next to Ethan. He didn’t want to pry, even though he was curious. 

Luckily, Ethan answered the unspoken question. 

“I didn’t tell you, because it was… well, I was dating a guy,” Ethan said bluntly. 

He was staring at Mark now, almost as if he was challenging him. Like he was expecting Mark to say something bad and was daring him to even try it. Mark was not sure why Ethan would think he would do such a thing, but it hurt him to think Ethan thought that he would care. 

Still, Mark chose his words carefully, because it was clear that Ethan was distrustful of the situation. 

“Okay,” Mark said. “Well why did you break up?” He chose to go the route of not focusing on the shocking twist and instead make it seem like that part was irrelevant. 

And after all, was it really shocking? Mark had had suspicions. Ethan had even made statements in the past that he wasn’t completely straight. The only part that was actually shocking to Mark was that Ethan had felt the need to keep this relationship so secret. 

Apparently, Mark’s choice was the right one because Ethan seemed to relax. A tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away with his sleeve. 

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “We were just having a normal morning and just as I was about to get ready for the day because I needed to come here for the stream, we got into this huge fight out of nowhere. And then he just… ended it.” 

“What was the fight about?” Mark asked. He figured it might help Ethan to talk about it. 

But Ethan just shook his head and wiped away another tear. 

“I can’t do this today,” Ethan said instead. “I’m sorry, Mark. I need to go.” 

Mark nodded. In all the years that he had known and worked with Ethan, he had never cancelled a video or an obligation, ever. To the point where it was probably unhealthy. Work-life balance was something they all struggled with in this industry. So if Ethan was asking for an out today, that meant he really needed it.

“Yeah, of course,” Mark said. “I’ll tell the stream you weren’t feeling good. You do what you need to do.” 

Ethan nodded. “Thanks,” he murmured. 

“But hey, you’re welcome to come back after the stream, just to talk or hang out if you need it. We love you, man.” 

Ethan nodded again but he didn’t seem very engaged in the idea. He was shutting down again and Mark figured he probably wouldn’t take him up on the offer. This breakup was clearly doing a number on him.

“Okay, I should get back,” Mark said, standing up. Ethan stood up with him. 

“Come here,” Mark reached his arms out for a hug. 

Ethan accepted the hug, but he was stiff and his mind still seemed distant. He was clearly really upset and Mark wasn’t sure he had been able to do much in terms of providing comfort. 

Pulling back but keeping one hand on Ethan’s shoulder, Mark gave him a reassuring smile. “Call if you need anything okay?” 

“Yeah,” Ethan said, but he wasn’t making eye contact with Mark, so Mark knew Ethan just wanted to be left alone. 

Giving his shoulder one final squeeze, Mark turned and went back inside. He told the crew that he was going to be doing the livestream alone, but he didn’t tell anyone why. That wasn’t his secret to tell. 


	2. Chapter 2

As expected, Mark did not hear from Ethan that evening. He didn’t think he would, Ethan had seemed pretty uninterested in talking about anything. But it didn’t stop Mark from hoping that maybe Ethan would take him up on his offer and let his friends be there for him.

Now that he had had some time to think about it, Mark was pretty worried about his friend. Ethan had been keeping this whole relationship and part of himself a secret, that had to have been hard. But then to have to deal with his heartbreak alone, well, that sounded so incredibly difficult. Mark really wished Ethan would just let him in and he wondered why Ethan hadn’t. Mark had thought that he and Ethan were pretty close but now he realized there was a whole other part of Ethan that Mark knew nothing about. 

Mark wanted to talk to Amy about it, but it was pretty clear that Ethan was not wanting this information to be public knowledge and Mark wasn’t sure if he was allowed to share it, even if it was just Amy. So he kept his mouth shut. 

Sighing, Mark pulled out his phone and shot a text to Ethan.

“Hey, just thinking about you. Hope you’re doing okay, Let me know if you need anything.”

After sending it, Mark watched the read receipt pop-up, but Ethan didn’t type anything in response. 

Accepting that there was nothing else to be done and that Ethan didn’t want to talk, Mark gave up and went about the rest of his day. 

But he didn’t hear from Ethan the next day, or the day after, and soon it had been a week. Mark was starting to get really worried. It wasn’t like they usually talked every day or anything, but it was weird because of the circumstances. The fact that Ethan had been so upset and had bailed on the livestream meant that Mark expected to at least hear from him about it. He figured Ethan would at least check in after he had some time to process everything. 

Ethan was still posting videos and was active on social media, so Mark knew he was at least relatively okay. But Mark had not heard a word from him. 

So Mark tried to call him, but Ethan didn’t answer. Even more than that, it only rang twice before going to voicemail, almost as if Ethan had hung up on him. 

Mark tried not to take it personally. After all, Ethan was heartbroken and maybe he needed some isolation to cope. The fact that he was posting videos didn’t mean he was up for talking with friends about his secret breakup. But if Mark was being honest with himself, it bugged him. Even just a short follow up text to Mark letting him know that Ethan was okay would have been nice. 

Still, Mark left it be. He wasn’t going to pretend to know what Ethan was going through. 

But then, another week passed with no responses from Ethan, and then Mark bumped into Ethan while picking up takeout at a local restaurant that they both liked. Not just Ethan, either. He was with Kathryn and a couple of other friends that Mark didn’t recognize. And he was just sitting at the table laughing and making jokes with them. He certainly did not look like he was too upset to talk to anyone. 

Maybe they didn’t know, though. Maybe Ethan was avoiding Mark specifically because Mark knew and Ethan was ashamed or embarrassed or just didn’t want to deal with his heartbreak. Mark remembered the look on Ethan’s face when he had first come out to Mark, like he was convinced Mark would react poorly. It was obvious he was not comfortable.

Still, Mark wanted to fix this. He didn’t want Ethan to avoid him forever just because Mark knew this secret. So Mark approached the table. 

“Ethan, Kathryn, hey!” he said, putting on a smile. 

Kathryn smiled as he approached, but Ethan seemed to stiffen. 

“What are you guys up to today?” Mark asked, trying to push past the tension and stay casual. 

“Just grabbing some lunch,” Ethan awkwardly stated the obvious, and he was not making eye contact with Mark. 

Mark couldn’t help it, his smile faltered as he started to realize that he really wasn’t welcome here at this moment. It really hurt that Ethan was so uncomfortable around him, and that Mark didn’t know why. Why was Mark knowing about his ex-boyfriend such a terrible thing? He just wanted his friend back.

“Right,” Mark said, trying to recover from the sudden hurt and embarrassment that he was feeling. “Okay, well have a good lunch.” 

With that, he turned and left, his takeout in hand. He headed out the front door and fumbled to get his car keys out of his pocket. 

“Mark, wait,” Ethan’s voice interrupted him. 

Mark turned and saw Ethan standing behind him, hands shoved in his pockets, looking really uncomfortable. But he had followed Mark out here, so that was something at least. 

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to be rude,” Ethan said nervously. “You just caught me off guard.” 

Mark frowned. “Caught you off guard? Ethan, what is going on? We’ve been friends for years, why are you suddenly acting like you’re afraid of me?” 

Ethan looked away, and he looked like he was going to cry, which only made Mark even more confused. What had Mark done to make Ethan so upset? 

“The other day, you wanted to know what Nick and I fought about,” Ethan muttered, running an awkward hand through his hair. “It was you. We fought about you.” 

“Me?” Mark asked. 

Ethan nodded. “I don’t know, I guess he is jealous of you or something.” 

Mark nodded, starting to understand. But he noticed that Ethan was talking in the present tense. 

“Is. Not was. So does that mean you’re back together?” Mark asked, dreading the answer because he had a sinking feeling about where this conversation was going.

Ethan chewed his lip and then looked at Mark. “I love him,” he said helplessly, confirming Mark’s suspicion. 

“He’s…?” Mark asked, not finishing his sentence, but Ethan seemed to know what he was going to say. 

“Inside, yeah.”

Mark nodded again. His heart sank. Ethan wasn’t avoiding him because he was embarrassed, he was avoiding him because Mark was the problem in the relationship. Whereas Kathryn got to meet Ethan’s boyfriend and have lunch with him, Mark was being ostracized.

“So what does this mean?” Mark asked, already knowing the answer. 

Ethan swallowed nervously. “I just… I need some space,” he muttered to the ground.

“Yeah,” Mark replied, his own voice suddenly hoarse.

“Mark, I’m sorry,” Ethan said sadly, looking up at him apologetically. 

Mark just shook his head. He was hurt and he didn’t know what else to say. It suddenly seemed to Mark that Ethan was dating a real asshole, but Ethan had apparently already made up his mind. 

“You should probably get back inside,” Mark muttered, unable to keep the hurt and anger out of his voice. His chest ached when he saw Ethan falter at his tone, but he didn’t try to take it back. 

So Ethan nodded, and then turned and went back into the restaurant and Mark got into his car.

_ Fuck.  _ How the hell had he just lost his friend, just like that? 


	3. Chapter 3

Mark stopped reaching out to Ethan, but he didn’t stop thinking about him. He seemed to bounce between being sad and missing his friend and being angry that he had been so disposable to Ethan. 

Over a month passed with zero communication. Complete radio silence. Not even as much as a like on a tweet from Ethan. 

Mark wondered what this Nick guy was like. What was it about him that made Ethan so willing to drop Mark from his life? If it was the guy that had been sitting next to Ethan at the restaurant, then Mark had to admit that he was pretty good looking. But Ethan wasn’t that shallow, it had to be more than just looks. Still, how great of a guy could he be if he made Ethan dump his friends? 

Then, one afternoon, Mark was taking a break from editing a video. He was in the kitchen grabbing a snack when he heard a knock at his front door. Absent-mindedly, he went over to open it, and froze when he saw Ethan standing on his front porch. 

“Hey,” Ethan said. His greeting was casual but he looked really tense and upset. 

“Ethan?” Mark asked cautiously. 

“Can I come in?” Ethan asked, shifting uncomfortably.

Mark wasn’t sure if today was a mad-at-Ethan day or a missing-Ethan day, but he opened the door wider anyway because Ethan looked like he was hurting and Mark couldn’t help but still care about him. 

Ethan stepped inside and Mark led them to the living room. They sat on the couch and for a moment nobody said anything. 

“Is everything okay?” Mark finally broke the tense silence. 

Ethan shook his head no.

“What’s going on?” Mark asked, suddenly pretty concerned. They hadn’t spoken in over a month and now Ethan was showing up here, looking terrible, and that had to mean it was something big.

Ethan sniffed and stared at the ground. “I’m having a really bad day and I don’t want to be alone,” he mumbled. 

Part of Mark was tempted to ask why Ethan didn’t go find Nick or Kathryn, then, but he bit his tongue. Maybe that was a conversation for later, but right now, Ethan looked really upset and no matter how angry Mark was, he couldn’t kick Ethan while he was this down. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mark asked instead.

But Ethan suddenly sobbed. “I can’t do it, Mark. I can’t do any of this anymore. It’s too hard.” 

Mark was completely caught off guard by the sudden breakdown, but he quickly recovered. 

“Okay, hey,” Mark said softly. “Take a breath.”

Ethan obeyed and pulled in a shaky breath. 

“Now, what’s too hard?” 

Ethan just shrugged. “Everything,” he choked out. “Being attracted to guys. Being…” Ethan trailed off, not finishing whatever he was going to say. “I just can’t do it. I don’t want to be me anymore. And I was so shitty to you, and now look at me. Showing up at your door all pathetic and sad. That’s not fair.” 

“Ethan, stop,” Mark said, firmly this time. He did not like the way Ethan was bashing himself right now. “You’re not pathetic and I am glad you came here.” 

Ethan wiped his eyes with his hand and nodded, though it didn’t look like he really believed Mark. 

“I miss you,” Ethan admitted quietly. 

“Yeah,” Mark sighed. “I miss you too, man.” 

Ethan maybe almost smiled, but then he pulled his feet up onto the couch and buried his head in his knees and sobbed again. Mark instinctively reached over and ran a hand up and down his back in a comforting gesture. 

Seeing Ethan like this broke Mark’s heart. He had spent the past few weeks building up all this resentment towards Ethan, but he didn’t realize that Ethan was carrying even more resentment towards himself. There was clearly a lot of inner turmoil in Ethan.

It took about an hour for Ethan to really calm down, and when he did, he looked absolutely exhausted. So much so that Mark made him go lie down in the guest room. Ethan didn’t really protest. He still didn’t seem to be in a great head space to talk or process everything he was feeling, but he did seem grateful for Mark’s company. 

When Ethan fell asleep, Mark busied himself around the house, but he kept an eye on the slightly cracked guest room door. He was pretty concerned by some of Ethan’s statements tonight. 

When Ethan woke up and re-emerged, he still didn’t really seem happy, but he seemed a lot calmer, at least. 

“Feeling better?” Mark asked, handing Ethan a glass of water, which Ethan accepted and took a few sips from it before putting it on the counter.

“I’m sorry,” Ethan said quietly. “I didn’t mean to fall apart like that.” 

Mark shook his head. “Don’t apologize.” 

“No,” Ethan answered back. “I do owe you an apology, Mark. I should not have come here and dumped all of that on you. That wasn’t okay for me to do.” 

Mark could continue arguing with Ethan about this, but it didn’t seem productive, so he decided to switch gears. Ethan seemed a bit less fragile now, so Mark decided to dip his toe into addressing the elephant in the room.

“Can I ask you something?” Mark asked.

Ethan nodded. 

“What is it about him that makes you so sure this is worth it? That you’re willing to be forced to choose between us like this?” 

Ethan seemed to take a minute to really think about his response. 

“You really want the answer to that question?” Ethan finally asked. 

Mark felt something shift in the air in the room, like the conversation was about to get a lot more intense, but he nodded anyway. “Yeah,” he said. 

“Nick isn’t forcing me to choose anything,” Ethan said slowly. “I made this decision.” 

Ouch. That hurt to hear.

“Why?” Mark asked, trying to ignore how painful that answer was. 

“Because I love him,” Ethan replied. And then, after a pause, “and because he wasn’t wrong.” 

Mark frowned. “Wrong about what?” 

At that question, Ethan swallowed and looked away. “About my feelings for you,” he said quietly. 

Mark felt like all of the air had suddenly been knocked out of his lungs. He had not been expecting that.

“Oh,” was all he could think to say. 

“Don’t worry, I get it,” Ethan continued quickly. “I know you're straight. I know it’s not an option. And I love Nick. But he just made me realize that I can’t be fully committed to him, or anyone, if I don’t let go of you. It just really sucks because... “ Ethan paused and closed his eyes, as though he was willing himself not to start crying again. “It sucks because I also really love you as a friend,” he finished, his voice trembling again, and Mark’s heart broke too at the implications of what Ethan was saying. 

Because it felt like Ethan was saying goodbye. At the very least, he had not come here with intentions of starting up the friendship again.

Mark didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t have any thoughts in his brain. All he knew was that one minute, he was standing a few feet away from Ethan and the next minute, he had the back of Ethan’s neck cupped in his hand and his lips were on Ethan’s lips. 

Then, just as quickly, he was pulling back and looking at Ethan, and Ethan looked… shocked. 

And Mark felt just as stunned. He had no idea why he had just done that. He was straight. He loved Amy. He was not supposed to be kissing Ethan. 

And  _ shit.  _ Ethan had just confessed feelings for Mark and Mark had responded by kissing him and that was not okay. Because Mark was straight. And now he was going to hurt his friend even more. 

“I’m going to go,” Ethan said slowly, seeming to come out of shock and interrupting Mark’s thoughts. 

“Ethan, wait,” Mark urged.

But Ethan shook his head firmly as he backed away. “No, I’m going to go,” he said again, and his tone was undecipherable, but definitive. Whatever he was thinking or feeling, it was clear that there was no room for debate. 

So Mark just stood there dumbly as Ethan walked away and out the front door. 

“Fuck,” Mark cursed under his breath as the front door closed. He brought a finger up to his lips, the feeling of Ethan’s lips pressed against them still lingering there. What the hell had he just done?


	4. Chapter 4

Mark didn’t sleep well that night. He felt weird and guilty when kissing Amy goodnight and crawling into bed with her. 

But why? The kiss with Ethan was just a fluke. It’s not like Mark liked Ethan like that. He had just been shocked and riled up from everything that had happened that afternoon. Ethan had shown up in really,  _ really _ bad headspace, and then confessed feelings for Mark, and Mark had just gotten confused for a second. He had just been so afraid of losing Ethan.

Yeah, that was it. It was an impulsive decision because he had felt like he was losing his friend. But that’s all it was.

...Right?

So why couldn’t Mark shake it off? Why couldn’t he stop thinking about it and accept it for what it was? A dumb mistake. 

He wondered what Ethan was thinking. He had left so quickly, seemingly off-put by the kiss. Which made sense. After all, Ethan was in a relationship. He had just gotten done telling Mark that he loved Nick. So just because he also confessed to having a crush on Mark did not mean he was asking to be kissed. 

And Ethan had been in such a dark place this afternoon, and then Mark had just gone and thrown an emotional bomb into everything. That really worried Mark. Ethan’s mental state scared Mark. 

Mark knew one thing for sure. If this Nick guy didn’t particularly like Ethan’s friendship with Mark before, there was no way Nick would ever be cool with Mark now. 

Mark had really fucked everything up. He decided that he would call Ethan and apologize tomorrow. He would explain to Ethan what had happened, how it was all a big misunderstanding. 

Slowly, eventually, he drifted off to sleep. 

When he woke up, he still felt anxious. He stalled on making the phone call. Partially because he didn’t know how to face Ethan and partially because Amy was around. Mark figured he would have to tell her too. Even though the kiss didn’t mean anything, she deserved to know about it. 

But before he could figure out how to tell her, she was telling him that she was headed out to run errands. Mark sighed guiltily as she left. 

He figured that he really needed to call Ethan now that he had a window of opportunity, but before he could muster up the willpower to dial the number, there was a knock at the door. Amy must have forgotten something, though why she was knocking was beyond Mark. 

Except when Mark opened the door, it wasn’t Amy. It was Ethan, again. 

“Ethan, hey, I was actually just about to call you,” Mark said. “About yesterday -” 

But before he could finish his sentence, Ethan’s lips were on his, and this time Ethan was really kissing him. 

Mark stumbled backwards, but Ethan came with him and then Ethan kicked the front door shut with his foot. 

Mark’s head was cloudy, suddenly filled with the taste of Ethan and the smell of Ethan and the feeling of Ethan kissing him. He instinctively grabbed at Ethan’s sides, and now Ethan’s hands were slowly trailing down Mark’s abdomen, over his shirt, and pressing lightly against his stomach muscles. His touch was light, but his hands were skilled and that felt  _ really good  _ and Mark moaned into the kiss, which seemed to urge Ethan on because now Ethan was gently pushing him up against a wall and -  _ OH MY GOD WHAT WERE THEY DOING? _

Mark pulled his head away from the kiss. 

“Ethan, stop,” he panted, struggling to catch his breath. 

Ethan listened and quickly pulled back from Mark. 

“Sorry, not okay?” Ethan asked awkwardly. 

“No, yeah,” Mark stammered. “I mean, no. I mean…” he stopped himself from talking because he didn’t even know what he was saying. He took a breath to try and clear the fog from his brain. 

“About yesterday,” he said slowly. “I didn’t mean to kiss you, it just sort of happened.” 

To Mark’s surprise, Ethan just smirked. 

“Just happened, huh?” he asked teasingly. "And that moan I heard just now, did that 'just happen' too?" 

Mark felt heat rise to his cheeks as he blushed. 

Then Ethan reached out and played with the hem of Mark’s shirt. “Do you think anything else might ‘just happen?’” he asked, biting his lip and looking up at Mark. 

Mark had never seen this side of Ethan. This flirtatious, seductive side. Ethan was shockingly confident and it did something to Mark that Mark didn’t want to admit to. 

But the way Ethan was looking at Mark stole all of his abilities to think things through logically, and once again, before he even knew what he was doing, Mark was moving in for another kiss. 

This time, Ethan wasted no time in responding, flicking his tongue against Mark’s mouth, asking for access, which Mark granted. Ethan sighed into the kiss and it was at that moment that Mark had the odd thought that Ethan was a really good kisser.

Then Ethan’s hands were exploring again, and this time his thumb grazed Mark’s nipple, causing Mark to groan and grip Ethan’s waist, pulling Ethan towards him. 

And  _ oh!  _

Ethan was getting hard. Because Ethan was a guy. A guy that Mark was making out with even though he most definitely was straight and had a girlfriend. 

“Wait!” Mark gasped in a panic, causing Ethan to once again pull back slightly. 

“What’s wrong?” Ethan asked, looking concerned. 

“Amy,” Mark mumbled. “We can’t do this, Ethan.” 

Ethan’s eyes widened. Then he nodded and stepped back completely, any leftover mood immediately killed. But Mark knew that Ethan cared about Amy too, and neither of them would want to hurt her like this. 

Mark brought a hand up to rub his forehead, suddenly stressed. The world felt like it was spinning and Mark was suddenly very confused about everything. 

“Ethan, I have to tell her that this happened,” Mark said firmly. 

Ethan tensed. “Mark,” he started to ramble, “I didn’t think about... You kissed me and...” he trailed off. “But you and Kathryn and Nick’s friends are the only ones that know about… Fuck! Amy’s going to be so upset. She’s going to tell people. It’s going to get out.” Ethan sounded really panicked, like he was about to be outed to the whole internet. 

“No, she wouldn’t do that,” Mark reassured. But Ethan didn’t look any less scared. 

“Well what about you?” Mark asked, trying to distract Ethan from his sudden anxiety but also pushing his point. “You’re just okay with the fact that you’re cheating on Nick right now?” 

Ethan shook his head. “I’m not cheating,” he muttered. “Nick knows I’m here.” 

“He does?” Mark couldn’t hide the shock in his voice. 

“Yeah,” Ethan laughed dryly, seemingly to himself. “I told him about the kiss and he told me to ‘see if I can get it out of my system.’” 

“Oh,” Mark said flatly. Hearing it phrased like that hurt Mark. Is that what this was? Ethan had just come over here to use Mark? 

“Mark, I didn’t mean it like that,” Ethan said apologetically, seeming to read Mark’s mind. “I just… I never thought I had a chance with you, ya know? But then you kissed me. And I’m really confused now, and I don’t know how to feel. So Nick thinks I need to figure that out.” Ethan paused, and then almost as an afterthought he added, “He’s actually pretty wonderful, you know.” 

Mark tried to brush off the confusing feelings he was feeling about all of this too. He reminded himself that he was not trying to date Ethan. Mark was in a happy, committed relationship, and whatever this was was a fluke. He should not feel excited nor disappointed about what Ethan was saying right now, even though he oddly felt a mixture of both. But all he should be feeling is guilty for what he was doing. 

“See, but Ethan, you got to tell Nick. About the kiss. You were allowed to be honest within your relationship. I deserve the same,” Mark said, trying to ignore all of the rabbit holes his brain currently wanted to go down and get back on track. 

Ethan still looked incredibly freaked out by the idea, but he nodded in defeat. “You’re right,” he said, shifting uncomfortably and running an anxious hand through his hair. 

Mark had probably seen him do that hair gesture a thousand times, but this time he really noticed it. He tried not to think about how it was kind of hot, even though he knew Ethan was clearly upset about this. 

“Okay,” Mark said suddenly, desperately trying to get a grasp on his out of control thoughts. He pointed to the dining room chair. “You sit there,” he demanded. 

Ethan looked at him quizzically. 

“I am going to sit here, on the other side of the table. And we’re going to talk.  _ Just  _ talk,” Mark warned. 

Ethan smirked slightly, but he walked over and sat down. 

“Ethan, I’m worried about you,” Mark said seriously as he took his own seat. He wanted to shift the conversation away from the sexual tension, but also, this was something they really needed to talk about. “Yesterday was… intense.” 

Ethan nodded solemnly, any previous humor falling away and an immediate heaviness falling into the conversation. 

“I know,” Ethan replied. “I’m sorry.” 

“No, don’t be sorry,,” Mark said. “But it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot and I just want to check where your head's at.” 

Ethan picked at his sleeve for a moment before responding. “Honestly, I haven’t been great,” he admitted. “I think this is the first time in my life that I have truly hated being a YouTuber.” 

Mark frowned questioningly at that, so Ethan continued. 

“It sucks, when your whole life is public and suddenly you’re keeping this huge part of you a secret,” he explained. “I feel paranoid, like, all of the time. I can’t go anywhere with Nick without getting super anxious that a fan is going to spot us and start rumors. I’m so stressed that I’m having nightmares about it.” 

“You don’t have to hide yourself, Ethan,” Mark said. “Your fans would be supportive, and if there are any that aren’t, well, fuck em.” 

But Ethan shook his head. “No, I can’t do that,” he said quietly. “I haven’t even told my parents.”

Mark didn’t push it. He figured that this was something pretty personal, that Ethan had to do when he was ready.

And besides, who was Mark to be giving advice on this? He was dreading the conversation he was going to have with Amy. Not just because it was going to hurt her, but because it meant Mark was going to have to admit to things that he wasn’t even fully ready to admit to himself. He pushed that thought away. He could figure himself out later. This was about Ethan.

“But you’re talking to someone about this at least, right?” Mark asked, his voice laced with heavy concern. 

Ethan nodded. “Yeah, I’m still going to therapy, and I’ve got Kathryn. Yesterday was just…” Ethan took a shaky breath and looked away, his voice hollow. “I don’t know. Really hard, I guess.” 

“Ethan, -” Mark had started to say something really serious, but before he could, the front door opened. Amy was walking in. 

Both Mark and Ethan tensed.


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey guys!” Amy said cheerfully, completely unaware of the heavy mood of the room that she had just interrupted.

“Hey Amy,” Ethan said, recovering first and giving Amy a genuinely kind smile. Then he glanced at Mark, a pointed look that told Mark that this conversation was private and now over. 

“I’m going to head out,” he told Mark. “Thanks for the help.” He had quickly adopted a surprisingly convincing casual tone, almost as if he had just flipped a switch. Though, maybe it shouldn’t be that surprising, Mark thought, considering Ethan had apparently been learning to put on a pretty good mask for at least the last 8 months or so. 

Mark just nodded, his mouth suddenly going dry with nerves. This conversation with Ethan was being left in the absolute worst place, but there was no way around it and Mark didn’t blame Ethan for wanting to bail now that Amy was home. After all, Mark also wished he could run away from Amy at this particular moment. 

Ethan stood up and left. Despite Ethan’s pretty smooth recovery, Amy frowned as he walked past her and out the door. 

“Has he seemed off to you lately?” she asked, once Ethan had gone. “I’m kind of worried about him. Do you think he’s okay?”

Mark shrugged. “I don’t really know,” he said honestly. “I’m worried about him too.” 

Then Mark leaned forward, elbows on the table, and pressed his hands to his mouth and chin. He took a deep breath. “But Amy, I need to talk to you about something else,” he said, bracing himself. 

Amy sat down in the chair Ethan had just been sitting in, suddenly looking concerned. 

“I love you,” Mark said, looking across the table at her and already feeling choked up like he was going to cry.

This just made Amy look even more worried. “I love you too,” she said slowly. Then she added, “But you’re kind of scaring me. What’s up?”

Mark knew he had to just rip the band-aid off. But it was so damn scary and painful. “I kissed someone,” he mumbled. 

Amy didn’t immediately react badly, she just looked more confused. “You… kissed someone?” she repeated. 

Mark nodded. 

“Who?” Amy asked. 

Mark didn’t answer. He was about to, but suddenly Ethan’s breakdown from yesterday and his terrified face from earlier today and his dejected tone from moments ago popped back into his mind. Mark was 99.9% sure that Amy could be trusted. She loved Ethan, and she also was just a good person. But that .1% chance that she couldn't had the possibility of really doing some irreversible damage. So Mark needed to feel this situation out first.

“Just… well, it wasn’t... it was a guy, actually,” Mark said instead, his voice nearly cracking from nerves of saying that out loud. 

Amy’s eyes widened, and then to Mark’s surprise, she laughed. “Mark, I’m not going to get upset about you doing weird shit with your friends. What else is new?” 

Mark shook his head. “No, it wasn’t like that,” he said sadly. “It wasn’t a joke. And it was… more than once.” 

“Oh,” she said, sounding shocked. “Are you telling me you’re…?” 

“No,” Mark said quickly. “I love you. I don’t know. I don’t know what it means. I’m just really confused.” 

“But it meant something?” Amy asked, and this time she finally started to sound hurt. 

Mark looked away, and then nodded slightly. If Amy had asked him that last night, he would have said no. But after the second (and third) kiss with Ethan this morning, he didn’t think he could honestly say that. 

Amy looked at him, studying him, and then she sighed. “Well, I don’t know what to do with that, Mark,” she said honestly. 

Mark let out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, you’re telling me.”

“Maybe…” Amy said cautiously, “maybe we should take some time apart, so that you can figure yourself out.”

Mark’s heart cinched at the words. He was expecting Amy to be hurt, he was expecting her to be angry, but he was not expecting her to say that, and yet to be so calm at the same time.

“Amy, please,” Mark choked out. “I love you so much.” 

Amy looked sad. She looked just as heartbroken as Mark felt. But she locked eyes with Mark when she spoke again. 

“I know you love me, Mark. But can you say that you’re 100% certain that you want to be with me? Or do you want to be kissing boys? Because it’s still cheating, even if it’s a guy. So I think we both need you to figure that out.” 

Mark felt a tear roll down his cheek. He didn’t want to go around kissing boys. He  _ maybe  _ wanted to try kissing one boy again. But that boy was in a relationship, and even if he wasn’t, Mark didn’t actually know what he felt about Ethan. Yes, he had to admit at this point that there was an attraction there, but kissing was one thing. Going further with Ethan? Or even dating him? Mark couldn’t conceptualize it, not in the way he could with Amy.

Still, it meant he was not 100% certain, and that was what Amy had asked.

“I’m going to go stay with a friend,” Amy said when Mark didn’t answer her question. “That way you have some freedom to find yourself.” Then she stood up and headed to the bedroom, presumably to pack. 

Mark just sat there. Numb. He didn’t move the entire time that Amy was packing her things, and when she finally came back with her bags, she put a gentle hand on Mark’s shoulder and placed a soft kiss on his head before silently leaving the house. 

Mark’s first thought once he was alone was to call Ethan and ask him to come back. But he hated that that was his first thought. Of course, he thought that thought because Ethan was the one who knew the situation and Mark wasn’t about to explain it to anyone else. Plus, they really needed to finish the conversation they had been having. But were those the only reasons? Or did he think about calling Ethan for another reason?

Mark wasn’t sure and he didn’t want to think about it. 

Regardless, he picked up his phone and sent Ethan a text. 

“Amy’s not here again. You can come back.” 

Mark watched the three dots pop up as Ethan typed a response. Then they disappeared but no message came through, and Mark’s stomach started to sink. Insecurity immediately set in and he wondered if Ethan was going to go back to ignoring him. 

But then the dots popped up again. 

“Kathryn just stole my car, hers is in the shop. But you can come here if you want.” 

Mark didn’t really need to contemplate it. He did not want to be in his big empty house right now.

“Yeah, okay, be there soon,” he shot back. 


	6. Chapter 6

When Mark arrived to Ethans place, he let himself in. Ethan had texted him letting him know that he was finishing up filming a video but the front door would be unlocked. He found Ethan in the living room, apparently in some sort of wrestling match with a tripod. 

Despite his current stress, Mark couldn’t help but laugh. 

“What are you doing?” he asked with a chuckle. 

Ethan looked up at Mark and then laughed too at the predicament he had been caught in. “It’s stuck!” he whined.

Mark rolled his eyes and then crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows as if to indicate that he was waiting for Ethan to figure it out. 

“Oh come on, you’re not going to help me?” Ethan asked. 

Mark smiled. “Nope.” 

Ethan pulled a face at Mark and then renewed his efforts to try and collapse his tripod. 

Mark couldn’t help but smile fondly at Ethan, and for a moment, everything just felt normal again. This felt like typical Ethan chaos. 

Then Ethan finally managed to get the tripod closed and he let out a triumphant and cute “ha!” before tossing it away from him dramatically and standing up. 

Mark froze momentarily. He could not believe he had just described that as cute. He tried to shake it off.

Now that Ethan was done fighting with his equipment, there was a moment of awkward silence. Ethan didn’t let it linger though, walking over to the couch and gesturing for Mark to sit down too. 

“How did things go with Amy?” Ethan asked, bringing his legs up onto the couch and getting comfortable. 

Mark shrugged as he sat down. “Both better and worse than I expected?” he replied. 

Ethan tilted his head questioningly, so Mark explained. 

“She was pretty understanding actually. Didn’t really get angry. But…” Mark paused, trying to will himself not to get upset, “she thinks we need to go on a break. She left.” 

Ethan sighed. “Damn.” Then he looked intently at Mark. “Is that what you want?” 

Mark swallowed nervously at the obviously loaded question. “I don’t know,” he said. He had purposefully been avoiding any self-reflection on any of this because he was afraid of what answers he might find. It was just way too much to even think about.

Luckily, Ethan just nodded and didn’t push. 

“Ethan,” Mark started, trying to bring the conversation back to the conversation they had been having when Amy walked in. 

But Ethan shook his head. “Mark, I know what you are going to say, but I really don’t want to talk about it right now,” he interrupted. 

Mark tightened his lips. He really wanted to know if Ethan was okay. But Ethan had just respected his boundary so he felt like he had to respect Ethan’s. 

“Well then what do you want to talk about?” Mark asked.

Ethan shrugged. “Can’t we just… hang out? It’s been a long time since we’ve done that.” 

Mark smiled. That sounded nice. “Mario Kart?” he asked. 

Ethan nodded and went to grab his console and controllers. 

They sat on the floor and started off playing mostly in silence, but soon enough, things started to warm up and feel normal again. They were laughing and making jokes like they used to. It felt like Mark was finally getting his friend back.

Then, it got to be evening time and Ethan decided to order them dinner. When the food arrived, he put the console away and put on a movie. By this point, all of the awkwardness had faded. Mark settled into a spot on the couch, feeling relaxed and at ease and back to normal around Ethan. 

But as the movie played, Mark’s mind started to wander. It started to hit him, fully, that he and Amy had broken up. They were “taking some time” as she had put it, but to Mark it felt like a break-up. Especially since she was expecting Mark to “figure himself out” and that felt like an impossible task. How the hell was he supposed to even begin to figure this out?

Mark glanced at Ethan, who seemed content and focused on the movie. Mark had so many conflicting thoughts all at once. On one hand, Mark couldn’t deny that he was starting to feel… something. At the very least, he had not been turned off when Ethan had shown up this morning and started making out with him. Some part of him had wanted it. 

On the other hand, Mark also wanted this. He wanted normalcy with Ethan. Friendship. And he had lost that once because of Ethan’s feelings, and he had the potential to lose it again if they crossed that line and something went poorly. 

Plus, Ethan wasn’t exactly available. Ethan had a boyfriend. A boyfriend that he claimed to be in love with. A boyfriend that had apparently given him permission to experiment with Mark, but that didn’t mean the boyfriend wasn’t still in the picture. Mark didn’t really know the details of what that meant, but he only saw it leading to drama and heartache.

No, it was probably best to just be friends. But was that even possible, or had they already crossed too many lines for that too? After all, Ethan’s feelings had disrupted the friendship once and what’s to say that wouldn’t happen again, especially now that Mark had shown some reciprocation? And could Mark live with the burning curiosity of never exploring this attraction?

His thoughts were going around in circles with no answers in sight. He was annoyed with himself and he needed to do something. 

So he made a decision. He moved closer to Ethan. The obvious movement caught Ethan’s attention, and Ethan looked at him, watching him curiously to see what he was doing. 

“Can I kiss you?” Mark asked nervously. 

Ethan paused the movie and nodded, turning himself slightly towards Mark. 

Then Mark leaned in towards Ethan, as if he was going in for a kiss, close enough to feel each other’s breath but not quite closing the gap. Ethan parted his lips slightly, but he didn’t do anything else. His eyes went from Mark’s mouth to searching Mark’s eyes, and he was clearly waiting for Mark to make the move. 

Mark’s heart was racing. He didn’t know what he was doing. He felt excited and terrified at the same time. 

“Mark?” Ethan asked cautiously, bringing one hand up to gently place it on Mark’s bicep. “It’s okay,” he whispered. 

Mark nodded slightly, and then, finally, he kissed Ethan. 

For a brief moment, the kiss was slow and simple. Just lips pressed to lips. Then Ethan started to deepen it, opening his mouth wider and leaning into Mark more. Mark responded by grabbing at Ethan, and before he knew it, he had pulled Ethan onto his lap so that Ethan was straddling him. Ethan’s hands came up to grip Mark’s hair. Then Ethan tugged gently and Mark felt something electric in his whole body, letting out a small moan. 

Ethan moaned back in response, and that sound went straight to Mark’s groin. He tightened his grip on Ethan’s hips. 

Then Ethan pulled back, and tugged at Mark’s shirt. Mark sat up a bit so that Ethan could pull it off, and then they were right back to making out. Except now, Ethan’s hands were exploring Mark’s bare chest and abs, trailing his fingers lightly on Mark’s skin, and once again, Mark couldn’t help but notice that Ethan seemed so skilled and confident with his hands. Ethan was usually so chaotic and silly, but when it came to making out, he really seemed to know what he was doing. It made him wonder what else Ethan was good at, and that thought  _ did things  _ to Mark. 

So Mark pushed forward and turned at the same time, re-positioning them so that Ethan was flat on his back on the couch and Mark was above him. 

But Ethan smiled slightly into the kiss and then pulled away and shook his head, sitting back up and pushing Mark backwards so that they were reversed and Ethan was sitting on Mark’s thighs. 

_ Huh. So Ethan liked being on top. _

Before Mark could explore that thought any further, Ethan’s mouth had traveled down slightly and he was now scraping his teeth against Mark’s collarbone, and then kissing his way down Mark’s chest and stomach. Mark instinctively rolled his hips in anticipation of where he was headed. 

Mark was incredibly turned on, but he was also suddenly nervous and this had very quickly gone way further than he had originally intended. 

“Hey, time out,” Mark breathed, reaching out to gently push Ethan away. 

Ethan sat up and looked at Mark. His face was flushed and he looked slightly breathless, and that was very distracting for Mark. So Mark closed his eyes for a moment, trying to catch his own breath. 

“You okay?” Ethan asked. 

Mark nodded. “I’m just a little freaked out,” he said honestly. Then he sat up too, looking nervously at Ethan. 

Ethan just smiled and reached out to brush a piece of Mark’s hair out of his face. “We can slow down,” he said calmly. 

Mark nodded. He did not know how Ethan was so relaxed. They were entering such new territory. Territory that, up until today, Mark would never have even thought existed. And it wasn’t just about sleeping with a guy, though that was a pretty significant and scary idea that he wasn’t quite sure how to wrap his head around, but it was also sleeping with one of his closest friends. That was weird.

Still, something about it just felt so natural, too. Like this was just how things were supposed to be. 

But now, Ethan was turning the movie back on, and then gently pushing Mark to lie down. Mark did, and Ethan laid his head on top of Mark’s chest. Without even thinking about it, Mark wrapped his arm around Ethan’s back.  _ Natural.  _

Mark smiled as he turned to watch the movie. 


	7. Chapter 7

Mark didn’t know exactly when he fell asleep, but when he woke up, he was alone on Ethan’s couch, covered by a blanket that had not been there before. His discarded shirt was still on the floor. He pulled out his phone and saw that it was almost 5am. 

Mark sat up and stretched. Ethan’s couch was not exactly the most comfortable sleeping spot. He wasn’t sure where Ethan had gone, but he couldn’t help but feel a little rejected by waking up alone. Ethan had obviously brought him the blanket, so Mark wondered why he had just left and why he didn’t wake Mark up. 

Grabbing his shirt and pulling it back on, Mark stood up and went into Ethan’s kitchen for a glass of water. It was early and quiet and Mark didn’t really like having the opportunity to get lost in his own head. So he pulled out his phone and scrolled absent-mindedly through Twitter for about 20 minutes. 

Then, finally annoyed enough, he decided to go wake Ethan up to try and talk about what was happening. He made his way up to Ethan’s bedroom and slowly opened the door. He was surprised to find that Ethan was already awake, sitting up in bed on his laptop.

“Hey,” Ethan said with a smile as Mark popped his head in. “Come on in.” 

Mark gave him half a smile back and walked in, closing the door behind him. He went and sat on the edge of Ethan’s bed.

“Why are you up so early?” Mark asked. 

Ethan just shrugged as he closed his laptop to focus on Mark. “Why are  _ you  _ up so early?” he asked back. 

“Because someone left me alone on an uncomfortable couch all night,” Mark replied, just a hint of upset in his tone. 

Ethan’s face fell slightly at that. “Sorry,” he said. “It’s just that I heard Kathryn come home and I didn’t have time to wake you up and I wasn’t sure how much you wanted her to know. So I just told her that you and Amy were having some issues and you were crashing on the couch.” 

Mark’s eyes widened in realization. He hadn’t even thought about the fact that Kathryn would be coming home, and he was suddenly grateful for Ethan being on top of that. He was also impressed that Ethan had managed to spin such a good story. It wasn’t a lie, and yet it was so far from the truth. Of course, Ethan had apparently been hiding quite a bit about his life from most of the world for awhile, so it seemed he had gotten pretty good at it. 

“Thanks,” Mark mumbled. 

Ethan smiled again in acknowledgement. Then his demeanor shifted to a slightly more serious one.

“Speaking of Amy,” Ethan said slowly. “I didn’t want to bring it up yesterday, but I kind of need to know…” 

Mark just nodded, knowing where Ethan’s head was at. “I didn’t tell her it was you,” he said. 

Ethan seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. 

“It’s not that I don’t trust her,” Ethan said quickly. 

“You don’t need to explain,” Mark replied. He hesitated before asking his next question. “But Ethan, what are we doing exactly?” 

Ethan furrowed his brow slightly. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean… this,” Mark said, gesturing to himself and Ethan. “What is this? What about Nick?” 

Ethan tensed slightly. “I told you, he wants me to figure out my feelings.” 

“So you’re on a break? Like me and Amy?” 

Ethan sighed. “Mark, do you really want to talk about Nick right now? Because I don’t. I want to talk about getting breakfast with you.” 

Mark couldn’t help but smile at that. “I can’t,” he replied. “I have to go home and take care of the dogs.” 

Ethan pouted, and Mark rolled his eyes. 

“But how about you come by later today and I’ll make us dinner?” Mark asked. 

Ethan grinned. “Yeah, I would like that.” 

“Good,” Mark smiled back. “Now, I have to go.”

Ethan made a shooing motion with his hands and reached for his laptop again, so Mark stood up and left. 

He got to his car before he allowed himself to realize that he had just asked Ethan on a date. What the hell was happening? 


	8. Chapter 8

Mark kept himself busy throughout the day, but by the afternoon, he had started to feel nervous. Ethan was coming over in just a few hours and Mark was anxious about it. It was weird. He had never felt nervous about seeing Ethan before. But this was different. Things were different now. 

Mark tried to make sure the house was clean. Again, he didn’t know why. Ethan had been here a million times and Mark had never cared in the past about cleaning up for him. But for some reason, he just wanted to make a good impression. 

Then he started on dinner, and Ethan showed up soon after. 

Of course, Ethan immediately pointed out how weirdly clean the house was, and Mark felt embarrassed, like maybe he was trying too hard. 

But the conversation flowed easily. They sat and ate and talked about normal everyday things. Things going on in the lives of their mutual friends, a new video game that had just come out, ways in which Ethan wanted to expand his channel now that Unus Annus was over. 

Then they went to Mark’s office and Mark showed Ethan a new video idea he had been working on. It all felt very casual and Mark started to feel silly for getting so worked up about it. They made jokes and teased each other constantly, like usual. Ethan said a lot of his usual ridiculous things that made no sense, and if Ethan was trying especially hard to make Mark laugh or if Mark found himself feeling a little too fond of Ethan’s antics, neither of them said anything about it. 

But then, eventually, there was a lull in the conversation. And in that lull, Ethan just turned to stare at Mark. 

Mark raised his eyebrows. “What?” he laughed. 

Ethan smiled. “You’re just nice to look at.” 

Mark felt himself blush. Then, Ethan was reaching over and tugging on Mark’s shirt, pulling Mark towards him. Mark took a step forward and Ethan looked him in the eyes. Mark suddenly felt breathless and caught off guard, once again shocked at how confident Ethan could get in these situations. 

Then Ethan slowly leaned in and kissed him. Mark kissed back for a moment, and then pulled away slightly. 

“Let’s go to my room,” he suggested, surprising himself with the bold statement. 

So that’s how they ended up in Mark’s bed, making out. It wasn’t the same kind of frantic and overeager makeout session as last night. This time, Mark could tell that Ethan was intentionally keeping things from going too far. Even when Mark was the one trying to get a little more into it, Ethan was pulling back. Which was actually kind of torturous and frustrating. 

“Ethan,” Mark finally whined between kisses. 

“Hmm?” Ethan asked, pulling back slightly to look at Mark. 

“You’re killing me,” Mark groaned. 

Ethan smirked, but then his face softened. “I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he said. 

“Oh, I’m uncomfortable,” Mark muttered, shifting slightly because he had been very turned on for the last half hour with very little relief. 

Ethan eyed Mark carefully for a long moment, seemingly searching Mark’s eyes. Then he kissed Mark again, a bit more passionately. Mark deepened the kiss even further and pulled Ethan closer to him, which Ethan allowed to happen this time. Their kissing got more intense, and then Mark let his hands travel and dipped just the tips of his fingers into the back of Ethan’s waistband, causing Ethan to lightly run his fingers down Mark’s back. They were finally going somewhere. 

But then Ethan half-rolled onto Mark and put his leg between Mark’s legs, his thigh putting pressure on Mark’s crotch, where Mark was obviously turned on, and Mark froze. It felt good physically, but it also bothered him. Ethan didn’t seem to notice as he pushed forward again, applying a bit more pressure.

“Mmph,” Mark made a surprised noise into the kiss and jerked back, pushing Ethan off of him. 

Ethan fell somewhat ungracefully off of Mark, and after he recovered from the shock of the sudden disconnect, he raised his eyebrows at Mark. 

“Sorry,” Mark muttered. He had no other words for what had just happened. 

Ethan shook his head. “No, don’t apologize,” he replied. Then he laid flat on his back and looked at the ceiling, running a hand through his own hair and exhaling. 

Mark just watched Ethan, embarrassed and unsure of what to say. It didn’t take long before Ethan turned to look at Mark again. 

“Maybe it’s time for me to head home for the night,” Ethan said. He didn’t sound angry or upset, just concerned, but Mark’s heart sank. 

“You don’t have to,” Mark said.

Ethan just smiled reassuringly. “Mark, it’s really okay,” he said, starting to sit up. 

“No, wait,” Mark pressed, reaching out for Ethan’s arm. “Please stay, I want you here.” 

Mark really did not want Ethan to leave under these circumstances. He felt pretty anxious about what had just happened and he needed some kind of reassurance.

But now Ethan was looking at him with a conflicted look on his face that made Mark think he actually wanted to leave.

“I actually really do have to go,” Ethan said, confirming Mark’s suspicions.

“Oh,” Mark said, letting go of him and suddenly feeling even more embarrassed. 

“Mark,” Ethan said slowly, just now seeming to realize how upset Mark actually was. 

“No, it’s fine,” Mark muttered, sitting up too because now he suddenly felt way too vulnerable lying down and was trying to recover at least a sliver of his pride. “I get it. Just um… have a good night, I guess.” 

“Mark, stop,” Ethan interjected. “I know what you’re thinking and it’s not like that. I would love to stay, I just… can’t.”

Mark shook his head, a sense of defensiveness rising in his chest. “You don’t have to come up with an excuse, Ethan. It’s fine.” 

Ethan sighed and looked away for a moment, contemplating something, before looking back at Mark. 

“Look,” he said gently. “I don’t want to make you think you did anything wrong, because you haven’t. This was a great night. Really. I’m just not allowed to sleep here. Nick and I have rules.” 

Mark felt like he had suddenly been punched in the gut. 

“Nick,” Mark repeated dumbly. Then the wheels in his brain started turning and his embarrassment turned to anger instead. “So last night… when you said it was because Kathryn came home…” 

“She really did come home,” Ethan answered.

“Yeah but you lied to me,” Mark said flatly. “I  _ asked  _ you about Nick and you lied to me about that too.” 

“I didn’t lie,” Ethan said, sounding somewhat defensive now.

Mark scoffed. “No, I guess not technically. You’re just really good at keeping secrets. Just like you’ve kept half of your life a secret.” 

Ethan swallowed, looking hurt, and Mark felt really guilty. He knew that Ethan was struggling pretty badly with that and he regretted saying it as soon as the words came out of his mouth.

But when Ethan spoke again, he sounded more angry than anything else. 

“At least I can come out to myself. You can’t even do that,” he shot back. 

And they both knew that was equally too far of a statement. Mark looked away and fell silent, and Ethan didn’t say anything else either. 

“You should go,” Mark finally said, a slight crack in his voice because now the reality of everything that had happened over the last few days was hitting him full force and it was overwhelming.

Ethan took a deep breath, and when he spoke again his voice was softer. “Well, now I can’t leave yet,” he said. “Not like this.” 

Mark just clenched his jaw and didn't look at Ethan. He wasn’t sure if he was about to start crying or start yelling at Ethan but he was doing everything in his power to not do either. 

“If you want to talk about it,” Ethan offered. “I mean, we haven’t really, and it’s a big deal.” 

Truthfully, Mark did want to talk about it. He needed to talk about it. But he was also really, really angry at Ethan, and he didn’t exactly feel a lot of security and trust with Ethan at this moment.

So instead, Mark just rolled out of bed and silently left the room, not even glancing at Ethan. He heard Ethan sigh as he left, but he didn’t care. He was on the verge of losing control and he had to walk away. 

Mark went down to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, drinking it and trying to calm down and process what had just happened. 

It was so easy to forget that Ethan had a boyfriend, because things between Mark and Ethan just seemed to click when they were together. It was easy to forget about everything else. About Nick, about Amy, about how weird it was that Mark was suddenly developing feelings for a guy. But then the reality of it all kept coming back to slap him in the face.

Maybe Mark didn’t really have a right to be mad at Ethan. After all, Ethan had not actually lied to him. Ethan had been upfront with Mark about Nick, Mark just hadn’t wanted to see it. But there was one thing Mark knew: he couldn’t handle this. He was not open to this weird pseudo-dating thing that was happening. It was too much on top of a situation that was already massively confusing and weird.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Mark’s thoughts were interrupted by Ethan, who had apparently followed him downstairs, but Mark still didn’t turn to look at him. 

“No, not really,” he muttered, just staring at his glass of water. 

“Mark, I’m sorry,” Ethan said softly, and now he was walking up next to Mark and placing a hand on Mark’s arm. “That was such a shit thing for me to say.” 

Mark finally turned to look at Ethan, but he stepped away from Ethan’s touch as he did so. “Get the fuck off me,” he snapped angrily. 

Ethan didn't immediately react. He didn't flinch or back down or fight back. He just stood there calmly watching Mark. But Mark knew he was out of line anyway. He forced himself to take a breath.

“We have to stop,” Mark said, his voice more controlled this time. “This isn’t okay.” 

Ethan was still watching Mark carefully, and took his time to respond. “Mark, I know it’s confusing, but you can’t just make this part of you go away. You have to deal with it.” 

Mark shook his head. “No, that’s not what I mean,” he said. “It’s not about that.” 

Ethan just looked at him sadly, not seeming to believe him. 

“Okay, yeah, I’m freaked out,” Mark admitted. “I have no idea how to wrap my head around this but… it’s more than that. You’re my friend and I’m pretty sure you won’t be by the end of this. And Amy’s… that’s a 6 year relationship that I’m just throwing out the window, and for what? So I can be your side piece? So you can ‘figure out your feelings?’ I feel like a goddamn toy.” 

The last part seemed to spill angrily out of Mark again, before he even had a chance to think it through, but he didn’t back down from it. Because it was honest. 

Ethan closed his eyes at the revelation. “Fuck. Mark...” he muttered sadly. Then he looked at Mark again. “You’re not a toy.” 

“Then what is this?” Mark asked. “A real answer this time.” 

“It’s complicated.” 

Mark shook his head. “Not anymore,” he said firmly. “Because I’m not doing it.” 

“Mark, come on,” Ethan pleaded. “Let’s just talk about this.” 

He looked heartbroken. Mark felt heartbroken. This was painful. But Mark knew in his gut that he could not handle this and it would only get more painful if they kept going down this track. He had to put a stop to it now. 

“Can you say you know for sure?” Ethan asked. “Aren’t you doing the same thing? One foot in with me, one foot in with Amy?” 

“No,” Mark said, shaking his head and leaning back against the counter. “No, Amy and I are done anyway.” 

He didn’t like admitting that out loud. But from the moment Amy had suggested that they take a break, Mark had known in his gut that it wasn’t temporary. He was pretty sure Amy had known it too. Neither of them had even tried to talk it out or to fight for the relationship. They both loved each other, but they both knew that wasn’t enough.

“I thought you said you were just on a break,” Ethan replied, sounding concerned. 

Mark laughed dryly. “Yeah, well, she wants me to ‘figure myself out.’ And I am.” 

Ethan nodded at the implication of what Mark was saying and looked sadly at Mark for a moment. 

“Okay, fine,” Ethan suddenly said decisively. 

Mark frowned at him. “Fine what?” 

“I’ll end things with Nick.” 

Mark’s eyes widened. “Ethan, that’s not what I… I’m not asking you to do that.” 

“I know,” Ethan said. 

“No..." Mark started to protest. That didn’t really resolve anything. Mark still didn’t know if he could even go there with Ethan. He really did not want to destroy Ethan’s relationship just to disappoint him. 

But Ethan interrupted him before he could say anything else. “The whole reason any of this started was because I wasn’t able to have a healthy thing with Nick without resolving my feelings for you. That’s not going to change. I can't just go back to him now. I won’t ever be able to be happy with him if we leave things like this.” 

Mark couldn’t really argue with that, because he couldn’t tell Ethan how to feel. But he didn’t feel any less uncomfortable about it. 

“This matters to me, Mark,” Ethan said firmly. “You’re not a toy.” 

But Mark shook his head. "I might not be able to do this." Mark's voice cracked at the confession. 

Ethan just nodded. "I know," he replied.  Then Ethan stepped forward slightly. “Can I…?” he asked.

Mark didn’t know what Ethan was asking for, but he didn’t step away this time, so Ethan stepped forward another step. Mark still didn’t move, so Ethan slowly and tentatively put his hand on Mark’s chest, obviously still nervous that Mark might snap again.  But Mark stood still, his heart feeling like it was going to beat out of his chest at Ethan's touch. 

"Doesn't it feel like we should at least try?" Ethan asked quietly. 

Mark took a shaky breath, and then nodded. 

Then Ethan leaned in to kiss Mark. Mark closed his eyes and couldn’t help but kiss him back. Of all the times they’d kissed so far, this one felt different. It was emotional and tender and when Ethan finally pulled back, he lingered there a moment, an inch from Mark. Mark felt his breath hitch in his throat.

“I just need a few days, okay?” Ethan asked, finally stepping back. “And then I’ll call you?” 

Mark just nodded dumbly, suddenly at a loss for any words at all.


End file.
